Author/Designer and Part Time Supreme Ruler of the Universe

Time to update my page thing on the web again. The trouble is, I don't know what to write. When you are surrounded by brilliant people, writing brilliant prose, the pressure to succeed and rise above your fellow mortals becomes almost unbearable. To have a dull page is to suffer an eternity of ridicule, nay pity, nay scorn from the entire company. Your co-workers shun you in the corridors, leaving you a friendless wreck. Even your pets desert you.

So I sit here, sleeves rolled up, preparing a masterpiece of literary humour, sprinkled with witticisms and wry comments about the state of life, the universe and milk cartons. It will light up the world. I will be hailed as the Bill Gates of humourous CVs. Douglas Adams will be reduced to a 6'4" quivering pile of jelly (unless he grinds me underfoot first. Or just writes something really funny). I will leave the lesser minds that surround me swimming in a sea of inferiority. Or a lake of inferiority. Perhaps a sort of small plastic paddling pool of luke-warm inferiority?

So let's see... ever since I wrote the theory of relativity when I was six months old(1), I have been the foremost authority on anything you care to mention. Quantum mechanics? Been there. Atomic fusion? Done that. Human reproduction? Watched the film....

Right, back to my CV. Since I've spent so much time spouting rubbish like a big spouty thing, I'm going to present you, dear reader, with the abridged version of my award-winning CV entitled, It May Be a Dull Life, But It's the Only One I Have.

Name:
Adam Shaikh

DOB:
16/04/73

E-mail address:
adams@tdv.com

School bits:
Went to a public school in Wimbledon. (I would tell you which one, but I don't wish them any harm, and let's face it, would you send your kids to a school who had an old boy like me?)
Did some stuff.
Didn't do a whole lot more stuff.
Left amidst mucho jeering and derision.
Voted person most likely to write boring CV's on the Internet.

Work bits:
Went to work.
Did sod all.
Took starring(2) roles in the movies Judge Dredd and Hackers.
Went to TDV.
Got job as company jester - humour not required as everyone else has oodles to spare.

Prospects improved dramatically when I discovered Dilbert and realised that as long as I move my mouse around when people approach, and walk around with papers, other people assume that I do something(3).
This obviously works, as I've been here a few years, and I've already been promoted to acting tea boy - no humour required.

That's the story of my life.

Footnotes:

(1) I know Albert Einstein supposedly wrote it first in a date sense, but time is circular. Or pear shaped. On the other hand, maybe that's the wheel, I always get those confused. So I've decided that I actually came up with them first, and he copied me millions of years later and stole all the credit. And people believe him too. Of course, my theory of relativity was easier to read and explained it in terms that the common man can understand (My theory of relativity: "Well stuff, it's, like, related to other stuff, isn't it?"). Just because he added a load of scientific speak-doesn't make him clever. After all, advertising people have been doing that for years and being intellectually challenged is part of the job description.

(2) "Starring" as in: there were lots of us and you would need a telescope and ten gazillion pounds' worth of complex equipment to pick me out properly.

(3) If anyone else has this problem, do the following and people will grovel at your feet (Just remember to kick them out the way occasionally. If you don't, you could fall on one, and nobody want to fall on someone who grovels at the feet of an idiot. It can't be healthy):

Walk around the office, carrying papers, and occasionally shout out inane bits of information in an anguished voice. Things like "Ohmygod, Cardiff is the fourth largest seaport in Wales!!!!!" (the exclamation marks are compulsory otherwise people will just think you're a git). Since you're actually working on an article about why kettles are so tricky to use, this will convince your co-workers that you must have a godlike intellect. Anyone who can link seaports and kettles is obviously the man to know.